I get myself in trouble and it's usually when I think something is funny - and if I think it's funny, I think surely everyone else will think it's funny, too.
This one time, my wife and I were going on vacation with a bunch of friends. We were going to the Caribbean and we were taking a bunch of frozen food with us. And I had this idea. Right before we got on the plane, I took a chunk of dry ice, wrapped it in toilet paper, and put it in my pocket. When you put dry ice in water, it'll bubble and spill over and I was going to put it in my coffee and say, “Look! My coffee is very, very hot!” And that would make everybody laugh.
But I learned you don't do this when you're at 30,000 feet. I tried putting my hand over the coffee, but it's spraying and spraying and spraying and people start yelling “fire!” I'm like “no, no, it's just dry ice. I just thought it would be funny.” But there's smoke everywhere and all the people are yelling and the captain comes running out of the cockpit and says “where's the fire?” And I say “it's just dry ice in here” and he takes the coffee and flushes it down the toilet and everyone is mad at me. I turn around to look at my friends and they turn away like they don't know me.
I do these things all the time.
One time, one of my editors had me get a juicer. He wanted everyone to get a juicer and drink healthy. This juicer was big. It was almost like an outboard motor. You could put anything in it: vegetables, fruit, shoes, Venetian blinds. It had this huge grinder and you would get the juice underneath and the pulp comes would come out another end and plop out.
It was a Saturday and my middle daughter had some friends upstairs, five- and six-year-olds, and a day or two before she had forced me to let her adopt a stray cat. I said “okay, but you have to clean up the litter box and clean up after the cat” and she promised she would.
I was downstairs using my juicer and was putting in dried apricots, along with some plums and stuff, and the pulp come out as this brown organic kind of stuff with a little Dairy Queen kind of point on top.
I thought about the cat and my daughter upstairs and I thought this could be a great joke. So I took this little organic pile thing and put it on the steps going upstairs and then I called my daughter down. My daughter and all of her friends are standing there at the rail and I said “remember what I said to you about the cat and cleaning up after it?” And she said “yeah” and I said “look at that that!” And the kids go “oh gross” and I go “you have to clean that mess up!”
She started to say that “Fluffy does little round things” and I said “no, I know this is Fluffy's” and I went over and picked it up and smelled it and said “yeah, that's Fluffy's” and all the kids went “oh gross, gross” and I said “wait a minute, I'll make sure.” And then I put a little of it in my mouth and I'm eating it and one of the little girls gets so upset that she does this projectile vomit across my living room. She must have had some tootie-frootie cereal earlier, because it was multicolored vomit that stained our velvet sofa forever.
This one time, my wife and I were going on vacation with a bunch of friends. We were going to the Caribbean and we were taking a bunch of frozen food with us. And I had this idea. Right before we got on the plane, I took a chunk of dry ice, wrapped it in toilet paper, and put it in my pocket. When you put dry ice in water, it'll bubble and spill over and I was going to put it in my coffee and say, “Look! My coffee is very, very hot!” And that would make everybody laugh.
But I learned you don't do this when you're at 30,000 feet. I tried putting my hand over the coffee, but it's spraying and spraying and spraying and people start yelling “fire!” I'm like “no, no, it's just dry ice. I just thought it would be funny.” But there's smoke everywhere and all the people are yelling and the captain comes running out of the cockpit and says “where's the fire?” And I say “it's just dry ice in here” and he takes the coffee and flushes it down the toilet and everyone is mad at me. I turn around to look at my friends and they turn away like they don't know me.
I do these things all the time.
One time, one of my editors had me get a juicer. He wanted everyone to get a juicer and drink healthy. This juicer was big. It was almost like an outboard motor. You could put anything in it: vegetables, fruit, shoes, Venetian blinds. It had this huge grinder and you would get the juice underneath and the pulp comes would come out another end and plop out.
It was a Saturday and my middle daughter had some friends upstairs, five- and six-year-olds, and a day or two before she had forced me to let her adopt a stray cat. I said “okay, but you have to clean up the litter box and clean up after the cat” and she promised she would.
I was downstairs using my juicer and was putting in dried apricots, along with some plums and stuff, and the pulp come out as this brown organic kind of stuff with a little Dairy Queen kind of point on top.
I thought about the cat and my daughter upstairs and I thought this could be a great joke. So I took this little organic pile thing and put it on the steps going upstairs and then I called my daughter down. My daughter and all of her friends are standing there at the rail and I said “remember what I said to you about the cat and cleaning up after it?” And she said “yeah” and I said “look at that that!” And the kids go “oh gross” and I go “you have to clean that mess up!”
She started to say that “Fluffy does little round things” and I said “no, I know this is Fluffy's” and I went over and picked it up and smelled it and said “yeah, that's Fluffy's” and all the kids went “oh gross, gross” and I said “wait a minute, I'll make sure.” And then I put a little of it in my mouth and I'm eating it and one of the little girls gets so upset that she does this projectile vomit across my living room. She must have had some tootie-frootie cereal earlier, because it was multicolored vomit that stained our velvet sofa forever.